Demonstration Of A Social Phobic's Conversation Falling Apart While In Live Chat

Sooner or later the person you're chatting with will want to know if you're 1) Employed, 2) Dating, or 3) Have any friends.
As I have none of these, and have little to no experience with a couple of them, I really can't even lie to fake it. (I did try years ago, but when you don't know what you're talking about, people know). This gives me very little to actually talk about, and coupled with not even being able to think of things to say quite often doesn't help much either.

I feel I must 'entertain' the other party to keep them around, whether on the net or in real life. This very typical. While I'm already struggling to keep the conversation going, I also feel I have to put on a show. Generally no matter what I tell the other person as to why I'm unable to keep up with the flow of conversation, I will be told my reason isn't true and then told that it's something else. I'm boring, I'm weird, I'm strange, I'm a jerk, I'm not trying hard enough. ("Oh you're interesting, I just don't feel like talking right now"). You get the idea....

I can destroy a conversation without even knowing I was trying.

Enters http://chatroulette.com
I went there a little while back. As I have no live web cam, I'll see a person for about two seconds before they lose interest and click Next. Even without a cam, I still find it very disconcerting. I get nervous and will click next if they actually stay.
This time (and probably because I was taking some meds that day) I decided to stay a little longer. Chatted a bit with a couple of people. Even had a nice little conversation in Chinese with some people. (translate.google.com helped).
Most of the short lived chats were with other people with no cam or visual display available, so in effect a pure chat room.
I went there because of SP and knowing I'll never see them ever again, even if I wanted to, felt like it should make me a bit more comfortable. A perfect tool for someone with SP, right?

So welcome Female, 26 from Oslo, Norway. There wasn't a video feed for either of us.
Honestly I've had this conversation a thousand times before years ago in aol chat rooms. I eventually mention my situation. They ask me why I'm like that. I tell them.

They suddenly have a PhD and think telling me to cheer up, think positive or anything else that makes advise from a Chinese fortune cookie seem profound, is bending over backwards to 'help' me.
If reminding me how much I suck at things is helpful, then they are experts. I can do that all by myself. And to note, I don't know if Norway has free health care or 'I don't have a a job' doesn't translate well, but telling someone to go get help after they tell you it's impossible, then getting told your lack of money is really an attitude problem...doesn't help any.

I haven't done a live chat for years. I think this is the reason.


> Connected, feel free to talk now
You: lol
Stranger: lol?
You: your look
Stranger: whats wrong with it?
You: you look shocked
Stranger: well i cant see you
You: very shocking
You: lol
Stranger: ha wtf are you a guy or gir;
Stranger: girl
You: guy
> Your partner disconnected. Reconnecting...
> Connected, feel free to talk now
> Your partner disconnected. Reconnecting...
> Connected, feel free to talk now
Stranger: hi
You: hello
Stranger: asl=?
You: 43m louisiana
You: 34
Stranger: hmmm
Stranger: you sure dude?
You: well 33, 34 in july
Stranger: hmmm
Stranger: ok
Stranger: 26 f oslo
You: ok
Stranger: norway that is
You: oh
Stranger: so, why are you here?
Stranger: (c:
You: good question, no idea
Stranger: haha
You: §
Stranger: but you know where you are, right?
Stranger: haha
You: yes
You: i do
Stranger: and who?
Stranger: lol
Stranger: you seem confused
Stranger: ;-)
You: i think i know
You: why are you here
You: i type fast. the numbers are close
You: okay
You: I'm surprised i'm spelling anything right
Stranger: just want to have a normal conversation
You: good luck
Stranger: don't want to see more dicks
Stranger: lol
Stranger: thank you
Stranger: so, not normal ey?
You: only saw one today. first thing i saw tho
You: nope
Stranger: haha
Stranger: i bet
You: <---it says stranger there
Stranger: i just joke a lot, don't mean any harm
Stranger: yes it does
You: i don't care
You: i don't like serious people
Stranger: naah, same here
Stranger: hate them
Stranger: they are so not funny
You: indeed
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: name sir?
You: kenny
Stranger: south park???
Stranger: heeeey
You: The very same
Stranger: lol
You: Stil alive
You: shh
You: dont tel
Stranger: then you are one cute son of a bitch
Stranger: lol
You: cool
Stranger: naah, i won't
Stranger: promise
Stranger: lol
Stranger: find me funny yet?
You: rtick question?
You: trick
Stranger: nope, actually not
Stranger: find me funny
Stranger: ?
You: ohh you want a serious answer
Stranger: naaah guess not
Stranger: lol
You: jeez
Stranger: nevermind
Stranger: :-)
Stranger: so, kenny 43..um, wait, 34..
You: yes?
Stranger: what do you do 4 a living?
You: unemployed
Stranger: aah
Stranger: that's a bitch
You: yes it is
Stranger: why mister?
You: good question
Stranger: yepp
Stranger: give me a good answer?
You: i wish i had one
Stranger: ok
Stranger: what are your skills?
Stranger: do you have any?
You: no lol
Stranger: lol
Stranger: i bet you have
Stranger: you just have to find them
You: i'd probably be employed
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: what do you want to be doing then?
You: nothing in particular really
Stranger: you want to hang around the house all day?
You: not really
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: kenny
Stranger: idk
You: i have social phobia
Stranger: you need to sell yourself
Stranger: are you serious?
You: yeah
Stranger: ok
Stranger: hmm, anybody that can help you with that?
You: nope
Stranger: but, hey, you are talking to me, and this is going pretty smooth right?
You: so i must be cured right
Stranger: no, didn't mean that
Stranger: just
Stranger: it's not so different really
Stranger: you have to picture yourself going out, doing stuff, try to take one step at a time
You: i do go outside. it's always just as hard as the last time tho
Stranger: ok
Stranger: but, then you need to get help from someone that knows what to do to help you
Stranger: do it today
You: surprisingly that cost money
Stranger: yes, it does, but, it's worth it
You: i went to a pych years back. Didn't help. Cost a lot tho
Stranger: ok
Stranger: but, you know what?
You: what
Stranger: from a friendly stranger
Stranger: you have an attitude about it that prevents you from getting the help you desperatly need
You: yeah, it kind of is the problem
Stranger: you are so negative
You: gee thanks
Stranger: and that is your main problem
Stranger: noo, don't get like that
Stranger: i'm trying to help you
Stranger: i don't judge
Stranger: you need to think positive
Stranger: right?
Stranger: kenny?
You: yeah
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: maybe i should press "next"
Stranger: you don't want to talk
You: typical
Stranger: what is?
Stranger: don't go there, telling me that everyone leaves
Stranger: how many strangers go out of their way to help you?
You: well they do
You: out of your way?
You: really
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: i don't get you
You: it's just that people don't like shy people
Stranger: i do
Stranger: i hate people who need attention all the freaking time
You: the second i go back to not talking, and it will happen, you will leave. Why would anyone want to stay?
Stranger: because of your attitude
Stranger: they leave
Stranger: not because of you
Stranger: i mean, i have talked to you in about 10-15 min
Stranger: and
Stranger: every question is answered with a negative attitude
Stranger: i can understand
Stranger: but
Stranger: at the same time
Stranger: it's so obvious why you say everybody leaves
Stranger: because you push them away
Stranger: since you already think in your head
Stranger: that they will leave anyway
Stranger: i found you funny
Stranger: and very nice
Stranger: but, when i asked you one question, you just got negative
Stranger: i'm sorry
Stranger: but you need to hear this
You: How was I so negative?
Stranger: i'm not trying to be evil
Stranger: i'm trying to be kind
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: you were not rude or anything
Stranger: it was just
Stranger: simple answers
You: ?
Stranger: that made me feel like i was doing something wrong
Stranger: yes
Stranger: simple like just yes and no-answers
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: but
You: Saying yes and no is negative
Stranger: anyway
Stranger: it was just the feeling i got
Stranger: from the way your "mood" changed
Stranger: hey, let's be friends
Stranger: i don't want to talk about that anymore
Stranger: i'm trying to b nice, and you don't see it
Stranger: it is soo rare for people to care for others
Stranger: and i'm trying to show some form of care
Stranger: but
Stranger: you don't see it
You: okay
You: jesus
Stranger: you don't want it
You: I only said i had social phobia because you kept asking why i don't have a job
Stranger: ok
You: I didn't asked to be cured
Stranger: bye bye then kenny, i wish you all the best, i really do
Stranger: take care
Stranger: :-)
> Your partner disconnected. Reconnecting...

Impending Doom - movie extra work

Today I'll be do another movie background extra part in a movie Brother's Keeper.

I didn't really sleep last night and got up with a feeling of impending doom, even tho I feel like I have everything covered. The worst part for me is the wardrobe. Only part that gets judged as it's my clothes and I never think they have what they are looking for.
As I don't have a job, I'm partially doing this to get me back in the 'going to work' mode. Plus I really could use a few extra dollars.

These shoots tend to be long and really boring if you don't find anyone to talk to. I have nothing to bring either except my book called 'Painfully Shy' (I took the dust jacket off, but it still has in bright red on the spine the name. Ahh!) I'm always too nervous to be able to read much anyway.

I have taken some Klonopin, which helps A LOT. It alleviates that horrible nausea/clammy hands/diarrhea/gut wrenching internal fear that makes you want to just remove all those nasty organs on the inside that cause these problems. lol. A physical feeling that only makes things worst.

It's also almost freezing, but I'll probably be inside (I hope) for most of the shoot. I've done about nine of these shoots before over the last few years, so I kind of know what to expect. But I will just suddenly get very nervous at times and I'm not always sure why.

I don't have a big problem in large crowds, but I have to admit, it's probably due to the meds. Without them I would never have considered doing these things. But they don't provide social skills and often I'm left alone with no one to talk to feeling even more awkward about being there.

I was called yesterday for my call time, but I thought they said on the 20th, as I have it scheduled for around that time, but I was half asleep when they called. But then late yesterday I get a call late at night telling me when to show up today!!! So I'm going to need to call and ask embarrassingly if I do in fact have work scheduled for that later date.

I just don't feel right calling them because I feel they're too busy with more important things to deal with than me at any time. I tend to put the calls off till later, but that just makes it that much harder usually.

When I get nervous I panic about details and this leads to even more confusion and more panic as I'm trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to do. Everything's so minor to everyone else, but I need to know these things. I can't deal with, "Don't worry about it", when the details are things I do need to know in order to get stuff done. (If worry was my only problem, that would make it a bit easier)

Ah, life with SA. Who could ask for more...